Empress : Kaiserin

Die Pruefung war schrecklich

The three German papers are over, but I really don't want to talk about it. But I feel fortunate having Mum and Pandora around - thanks to them I actually felt better. Only that I also knew, when I wake up tomorrow, the whole nightmare will hit me right in the face, all over again.

I have to try focus on the last paper, which is oral (and I fear oral), which will be on next Saturday.

Why must such woeful post be my 200th post?

Anyway, here's what I've written in my personal diary yesterday (with some editing of course, for online viewing): thought you might want to know what I'm been up to ever since I went "MIA" cyberspace-wise.


Whoa, perhaps this is the first time I tried to suppress myself to my limit. To prepare for my German papers I had tried to restrain myself only to the German language, with the occasional animes in Chinese and Japanese (but I have also cut the number down per day in extreme). For two whole days I sat in front of the television listening to Deutsche Welle (the German channel), and when my ears are tired I "imprisoned" myself in my room, equipped with all my German notes, laptop and two German dictionaries. And when my eyes are tired, I'll approach Deutsche Welle on television again. So this is the typical rotation for these two days.

I guess this is what you call "extreme-studying". Extreme exam stress.

I'll never do it again.

I believe I almost "cracked" at around 10pm. After downing dinner painfully (I totally had no appetite nor taste buds whatsoever), it's another few hours of isolation in my room. I can't really recall what I did anymore. Anyway, at eight I went for a quick bath so that my hair will be dry when it's time for bed. Tried to sing in the bathroom (oops! HAHAHA...) but the tune I was carrying just faded away naturally; didn't feel like singing. Popped a supplement pill (the usual like I always do) before another couple of hours in isolation and cold silence... Read 33 pages of letters in German before I "popped" myself.

I found myself reaching for the bottle of pills and suddenly have the urge to take one. "Er, wait a minute, didn't I just took one just now? It's only twice per day, so that's enough", that's what I thought. But I popped one into my mouth anyway. And then my right hand reached out for the Vitamin C (coz it was just on the rack above me) pills. And I have a crazy urge to finish the bottle of pills plus the Vit C. This may sound real stupid and silly, but that moment, I was very afraid of myself.

Luckily I realised what I was going to do and realised this is not the way to suppress myself. Not anymore. This is indeed mentally destroying my usual self. So here I am, typing in English and J-pop loudly blasting though it's close to 11pm from my hi-fi.

Okay, this is better now. Studying German with Japanese pop; this is life. Indeed! :)

posted by empress @ 9:53 PM